Wife Translator 

Wifespeak                English
------------------------------------
* You want              <=>  You want
* We need               <=>  I want
* It's your decision    <=>  The correct decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want      <=>  You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk       <=>  I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead      <=>  I don't want you to.
* I'm hungry            <=>  (a) Make me something to eat.
                             (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your
                                 last $5, and go drive across town and get me
                                 something to eat. -- I don't care if what you
                                 are doing is important.
* I'm not upset         <=>  Of course I'm upset,you moron.
* You're ... so manly   <=>  You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly      <=>  Is sex all you ever think about?
  attentive tonight.
* I'm not emotional!    <=>  I'm on my period.
  And I'm not
  overreacting!
* Be romantic, turn     <=>  I have flabby thighs.
  out the lights.
* This kitchen is so    <=>  I want a new house.
  inconvenient
* The car is empty      <=>  Go fill it up
* The trash is full     <=>  Take it out
* The dog is barking    <=>  Go outside in your underware and see what is wrong
* I want new curtains   <=>  and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes  <=>  the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture there<=>  NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise       <=>  I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me?       <=>  I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love  <=>  I did something today you're really not going to
  me?                        like.
------------------------------------
/* in answer to "What's wrong?" */
  --Nothing.          <=>  Everything.
  --Everything.       <=>  My PMS is acting up.
  --Nothing, really.  <=>  It's just that you're such an asshole.
  --I don't want to   <=>  Go away, I'm still building up steam.
    talk about it.

--------------------------------------
    I'll be ready in    <=>  Kick off your shoes and find a good game
     a minute.               on T.V.
    Is my butt fat?     <=>  Tell me I'm beautiful.
    You have to learn   <=>  Just agree with me.
     to communicate.
    Are you listening   <=>  [Too late, you're dead.]
     to me!?

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